Football Manager Ruined My Life...And Almost Robbie Williams' Too

On a hot summer's day in July 2005, I went over to my friend Michael Sullivan's house to watch a football match between Roma and Chelsea. Little did I know, this would be the last proper day of my life. This was the day I first played Football Manager.

It's existed for decades under different guises: Championship Manager, Premier Coach, Premierleagueshipfootball managercoach, but now Football

Manager (FM) has established itself firmly under the name which now strikes the heart like a bolt of lightening.

It's so addictive that in the past five years it has been cited in more than 35 British divorces and a million copies of it were bought last year and yet everyone criticises the football management simulator for being boring and stupid. After all, "WHO would want to watch a bunch of dots chase another, smaller dot around a bit green square. I mean, IT'S NOT EVEN REA

L!?!"

So when people ask me, 'Tommy, why have you spent literally over 1000 hours of your life playing Football Manager?', and I say: 'Because it's fun,' they often return with the loud and tiresome response I wrote above. But recently I have discovered the ultimate combatant against the 'haterz': Robbie Williams likes it. And anything Robbie Williams likes is worth investing 1000 hours in. Be it pop music, women or cocaine-allegedly.

Yes, it's true, the role model for all modern Britons and modern citizens of the World in general, Mr Robbie Williams likes Football Manager loads. Recently, under pressure from his ridiculously SAAAAAD and selfish wife, Robbie broke his Football Manager disc into two pieces. Claiming, that (and I didn't just imagine this, by the way) "It all got too much". Robbie Williams, who, need I remind you is a millionaire-which means that I can play it all I like and will probably, DEFINITELY become a millionaire, too-had a series of Twitter meltdowns in which he said:

"Got addicted to Football Manager AGAIN. They warned Ayda (His wife) what would happen but I don't think she was quite prepared for what was to come. Been on it day and night and the other day I decided to snap the disc because it all got too much. However, two days later I re-ordered it on Amazon.

"It should come in the post tomorrow. Ayda will be thrilled."

And this proves once and for all that Football Manage

r is the best game in the Universe and well worthy of me wasting my life over.

I know what you are thinking: "Okay, he is great and I grew up with Robbie, and he is definitely the kind of guy I aspire to be, but I prefer younger stars. Younger stars like, I don't know....Paolo Nutini?"

WELL AHA! You are an idiot, because Paolo Nutini likes it almost as much as Robbie Williams, although, in his defence, he hasn't claimed to have snapped his game in half because he was so passionately addicted-or at least not publicly.

Last year, Paolo was invited to test out the latest version of the game in the creators' design studio because he is such an enormous fan, so next time you call me sad, you had better think of the company I keep, because we are the coolest men in Britain. One can even watch the tedious footage of Paolo confirming he is enjoying the game, as he plays it, on youtube.

For those of you who are in relationships and are thinking of asking your significant other to choose between you and the game, please remember Robbie, his wife, the other 35 British divorces in the past five year. Please remember too that Football Manager is currently number two on the list of computer games that are responsible for ending relationships, behind some embarrassing shooting game that only geeks play, not a wicked game like the one that Robbie, me and Paolo play.

We are the future, and like a bunch of poorly dinosaurs that are shit at surviving meteor strikes, you are the past. Vive la Football Manager.

I would now like to take an extract of my favourite poem about Football Manager, 'The Love Song Of Edin Dzeko's Cock', which was written by an award-winning poet I know.

"Let us go, in our lazies, through water carriers, trequartistas, limited defenders and

Julio Baptista.

Though the relentless night is dark and depressing

At least your defensive line's not set to pressing.

Shawcross to United and Shearer to Spurs

follow like

the insidious intent of a tedious argument

to lead you to an overwhelming question...

Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"

Pitch size alterations."

Afroman: Warrior Poet

"La da da da da da La, Da Daaa,La da da da, La da da da, La da da daaa"-Afroman

With each passing day, I find it ever more frustrating that people refuse to acknowledge the significance of 00s comedy hip-hop impresario Afroman.
Perhaps the quote above isn't the most incisive of his career to date, but it may stun you to learn that I think that the rest of his hit, 'Because I Got High', is one of the most valiant attempts of social upheaval in all of music.

Often people talk about the significance of Vietnam-era music upon society, and the role it played in helping people through-out the world. But there is a very special man whose efforts in the year 2000 were utterly overlooked.

Afroman tried very hard to change the way we think and we all laughed in his face. His 'novelty' rap 'Because I Got High' is a harrowing tale that, during the turn of the millennium, could be heard echoing throughout high schools and universities in both the UK and US, harmonised by the moronic mimicry of many-a-stoner.

You are likely to recall this song as an annoying song about taking loads of drugs and failing to perform the easiest of tasks: room cleaning, test passing. But what you will probably not remember is the vivid story-telling, brutal honesty and crushing irony.

His one-hit-wonder is a tragic account of a life destroyed by substance abuse.
The song's protagonist begins by describing how his drug-fuelled apathy lead to him not cleaning his room and the resulting problems. In this case, his room remained 'messed-up'. This is a pattern which repeats itself in each verse.

This is Afroman's first stroke of genius.

He draws you in with his first two verses, listing fairly tedious and repairable problems. Any listener can, however, notice that the second verse cites a more serious problem than the first. This is also a technique that Afroman will reintroduce with each verse.

At this point we can all enjoy the hilarious antics of Afroman, as he jovially elaborates on his small personal failures, but then Afroman begins to sober the mood around him in verse number three.

"I was gonna go to work, but then I got high
I just got a new promotion, but I got high
now I'm selling dope and I know why (Why man?) Yeah hey,
- because I got high" [repeat 3X]
That's right, just as you were bobbing along to the slickly-produced beats of Afroman (also produced my Headfridge), he has thrown a spanner into the proverbial. This is no longer a laughing matter, a man's drug habit has become so serious that he has now turned to drug-dealing to make ends meet after presumably losing his new promotion, and possibly, his job altogether. But things are about to get a great deal worse(no pun intended) for our protagonist.

The next verse reads as follows: "I was gonna go to court before I got high
I was gonna pay my child support, but then I got high
they took my whole paycheck and I know why (Why man?) Yeah hey,
- because I got high" [repeat 3X]

It has just been revealed that this man is a father of a child who is under the age of 18. As a result of her (the gender isn't revealed, but I am a forward thinking guy) father's irresponsible drug habit, this young child will not have as money to live on this month.

At this point I feel obliged to wrangle a few verses together for brevity and to inform you that between each verse, Afroman and his crew say "la da da da, da da da".

"I wasn't gonna run from the cops, but I was high
I was gonna pull right over and stop, but I was high(La da da da da da da da da)
Now I am a paraplegic and i know why (Why man?) Yeah hey,
- because I got high [repeat 3X]

"I was gonna pay my car note until I got high
I wasn't gonna gamble on the boat, but then I got high
now the tow truck is pulling away and I know why (Why man?) Yeah hey,
- because I got high [repeat 3X]

"I was gonna make love to you, but then I got high
I was gonna eat yo pussy too, but then I got high
now I'm jacking off and I know why, Yeah hey,
- because I got high" [repeat 3X]

From these three verses, we can establish that the main character has a) Become a paraplegic, b) Gambled away so many of his possessions on some kind of boat trip that a repossession agency has required a truck to collect them all and c) Been involved in a case of resisting arrest and drug-driving. We can also establish that he is only human and that his song-writing talents are not limitless; his crude verse about eating pussies is positively inappropriate, although it does aid claims that drug use can permanently damage your libido.
It is at this point that the character breaks down with the most winding verse of his musical poem:

"I messed up my entire life because I got high
I lost my kids and wife because I got high
now I'm sleeping on the sidewalk and I know why (Why man?) Yeah hey,
- because I got high" [repeat 3X]

One man tried to warn us, and we wouldn't listen. Instead, we patronised him with Grammy awards and categorised his philosophies as novelty. We watched and subsequently stopped watching as Afroman's life became a revolting parody of his song's protagonist-as recently as this month Afroman was being sued for failing to turn up to a gig.

And what of his mark on humanity; his swan song that will forever bear his stagename, brushed a side by the hand marked: "Ignore this, for it is novelty rap music". But let me remind you of the drug-dependant, paraplegic, penniless, homeless, impotent man, who had been estranged from his wife and infant daughter-if not his entire extended family. The man who would tell anyone who would listen about the irreversible effects that cannabis had on his life.

And you find that funny, do you? You make me fucking sick.

The Beatles

Having been turned down by most major record labels, The Beatles had arranged a meeting with future manager Brian Epstein. Paul McCartney failed to turn up on time to meet the then music store owner and when it emerged that McCartney was late because he was having a bath, Epstein was ready to leave in a fury, until George Harrison quipped that at least when Paul did eventually arrive he would be clean. Epstein was won over by the boys' sense of humour and later described Harrison's sense of humour as a motive for signing the Liverpudlian four-piece.

John Lennon used to do impressions of disabled people during gigs to amuse the audience.

The Beatles claim to have recorded the first ever intentional guitar feedback on the song I Feel Fine.

For the iconic album cover of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, the four members were asked to suggest famous figures. John and Paul both compiled extensive lists, George's list included several Indian spiritualists, while Ringo said he wasn't concerned and suggested nobody. Unfortunately for George, some of the people he suggested were so obscure that photographs couldn't be sourced!

When Yoko Ono first met The Beatles, the only member she had heard of was Ringo Starr, and she claims that she only knew him because his first name is the Japanese word for 'apple'.

Upon reading an interview in which John Lennon said he wished he could re-record all of The Beatles music, their legendary producer, Sir George Martin, confronted Lennon and asked him if he really wanted to re-record all of their work. Lennon replied affirmatively, which prompted Martin to ask if he even meant Strawberry Fields Forever, which is often considered Lennon's masterpiece. Lennon lowered his famous round spectacles and replied, "Especially Strawberry Fields Forever." Martin claims that even now, this leaves him with a tainted memory of John Lennon.

Frank Sinatra once allegedly claimed that 'Something' was his favourite Lennon/McCartney song. It was actually written by George Harrison.

Paul McCartney claims to have dreamed 'Yesterday', when he awoke and rushed to the piano to play the notes he had imagined, the makeshift opening lyrics he assembled were "scrambled eggs, you have got such lovely legs".

John Lennon was once holidaying abroad when a busker recognised him as a Beatle and approached him playing 'Yesterday, assuming it was a song of his and seemingly unaware that it was, in fact, written by Paul McCartney.

John Lennon allegedly used to tease manager Brian Epstein's sexuality and when Epstein revealed that his autobiography would be called 'Cellar Full of Noise', Lennon reportedly quipped that a more appropriate title would be 'Cellar Full of Boys'.

John Lennon's alleged teasing of Epstein can supposedly be heard at the end of 'Baby, You're a Rich Man', where the lyrics, "Baby, you're a rich man, too" are reportedly replaced as "Baby, you're a rich fag jew" by John Lennon.

The iconic album cover of Abbey Road was photographed on a zebra crossing in London, to this day it still attracts lesions of fans, despite the fact that the cross walk itself has since been moved several metres away from its original position to ease disruption caused by fans constantly re-enacting the famous shot.

George Harrison claimed that until the mid-sixties, for every 20 pounds earned by the band, 19 would be claimed by the British Government in taxation. This was the inspiration for the song 'Taxman' and the lyric "let me tell you how it will be: it's one for you, 19 for me".

Threatened by their imminent dominance, Elvis Presley is reported to have used his FBI contacts to have The Beatles deported from the US.

While on his deathbed in 2001, George Harrison lay as he and Paul McCartney held hands for several hours.

Quotes:

"What a fucking great band we were." Paul McCartney

"It just annoyed me that people got so into the Beatles. "Beatles, Beatles, Beatles." It's not that I don't like talking about them. I've never stopped talking about them. It's "Beatles this, Beatles that, Beatles, Beatles, Beatles, Beatles." Then in the end, it's like "Oh, sod off with the Beatles," you know?" George Harrison

"The song ‘With a Little Help From My Friends’ was written specifically for me, but they had one line that I wouldn’t sing. It was ‘What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and throw tomatoes at me?’ I said, ‘There’s not a chance in hell am I going to sing this line,’ because we still had lots of really deep memories of the kids throwing jelly beans and toys on stage; and I thought that that if we ever did get out there again, I was not going to be bombarded with tomatoes." Ringo Starr

"I really thought that love would save us all." John Lennon