We Need To Talk About Kevin From American Pie

Ask Richard Dawkins who his most hated character in all of fiction is and he will tell you, like a clever dick, that it's God in the Old Testament. But for those of us who aren't trying to impress our mates, the worst character in the history of fiction is quite clearly Kevin from the American Pie franchise.

All of the characters in American Pie are vile human beings, as well you know. And for a while I too was certain that Oz, the lacrosse player with the inexplicable haircut, was the most revolting character. Thankfully 2012 has opened my eyes. It's Kevin-he's the worst. By a country mile.

Whether it be pressurising his girlfriend into having sex or pressurising his friends into having sex, Kevin is always looking to cast his sexual insufficiencies on other people.

Struggling to remember the plot of the film, I leant on Wikipedia and like the reliable friend it is, it supplied me with all I need to know about Kevin's crimes:

"A pact is formed at Kevin's initiation, to lose their virginity before their high school graduation after a dorky classmate, Chuck Sherman (Chris Owen), claims to have done so at a party hosted by classmate and lacrosse player Steve Stifler (Seann William Scott).Vicky later accuses Kevin of being with her only for sex, and he must try and repair his relationship with her before the upcoming prom night, when the four plan to lose their virginity. He eventually succeeds."


A more chilling end to a paragraph there never has been.

KEVIN MAKING HIS DUMB PACT

Vicky is absolutely correct: Kevin does not care about her and he is using her exclusively for sex. If Tara Reid's real-life behaviour is anything to go by, Kevin's actions have been entirely detrimental to his girlfriend's future and has have resulted in her developing very low self esteem, a booze habit and an healthy love life.


What it doesn't mention on Wikipedia is that Kevin is relentless in his morbid pursuit of making all of his friends have sex for the first time on the same night. He continually asserts pressure on his friends to find girls to fuck for the sake of some creepy pact that he has forced upon all of them. It's clear for anyone to see that the reason Kevin does this is that he can't seal the deal with his own girlfriend and hates himself, her and all of his friends for it.

KEVIN PRESSURISING HIS GIRLFRIEND AT A PARTY

Eventually, his friends buck the trend of peer pressure and put the human slug in his place, reminding him that there are more important things to life than trying to have sex with people to a deadline set by your frenemy (friend-enemy). Kevin's black heart looks visibly broken as his friends tell him that they aren't interested in his immature bullshit anyone and that they have found something more valuable than his respect, namely girls with whom they have crafted a lasting bond. Upon hearing this seemingly devastating news, Kevin splutters and begs his friends not to renege on his weirdo pact, not unlike Gollum when someone takes his ring away from him.

TIME HAS RIGHTLY PUNISHED KEVIN

Eventually his painstaking efforts to wreck his girlfriend's confidence are rewarded and he gets to put one of his penises into her. She looks visibly uncomfortable in this scene. The discomfort of losing your virginity or the discomfort of knowing that your weak will has resulted in the conception of the Anti-Christ? YOU DECIDE.