We Need To Talk About Kevin From American Pie

Ask Richard Dawkins who his most hated character in all of fiction is and he will tell you, like a clever dick, that it's God in the Old Testament. But for those of us who aren't trying to impress our mates, the worst character in the history of fiction is quite clearly Kevin from the American Pie franchise.

All of the characters in American Pie are vile human beings, as well you know. And for a while I too was certain that Oz, the lacrosse player with the inexplicable haircut, was the most revolting character. Thankfully 2012 has opened my eyes. It's Kevin-he's the worst. By a country mile.

Whether it be pressurising his girlfriend into having sex or pressurising his friends into having sex, Kevin is always looking to cast his sexual insufficiencies on other people.

Struggling to remember the plot of the film, I leant on Wikipedia and like the reliable friend it is, it supplied me with all I need to know about Kevin's crimes:

"A pact is formed at Kevin's initiation, to lose their virginity before their high school graduation after a dorky classmate, Chuck Sherman (Chris Owen), claims to have done so at a party hosted by classmate and lacrosse player Steve Stifler (Seann William Scott).Vicky later accuses Kevin of being with her only for sex, and he must try and repair his relationship with her before the upcoming prom night, when the four plan to lose their virginity. He eventually succeeds."


A more chilling end to a paragraph there never has been.

KEVIN MAKING HIS DUMB PACT

Vicky is absolutely correct: Kevin does not care about her and he is using her exclusively for sex. If Tara Reid's real-life behaviour is anything to go by, Kevin's actions have been entirely detrimental to his girlfriend's future and has have resulted in her developing very low self esteem, a booze habit and an healthy love life.


What it doesn't mention on Wikipedia is that Kevin is relentless in his morbid pursuit of making all of his friends have sex for the first time on the same night. He continually asserts pressure on his friends to find girls to fuck for the sake of some creepy pact that he has forced upon all of them. It's clear for anyone to see that the reason Kevin does this is that he can't seal the deal with his own girlfriend and hates himself, her and all of his friends for it.

KEVIN PRESSURISING HIS GIRLFRIEND AT A PARTY

Eventually, his friends buck the trend of peer pressure and put the human slug in his place, reminding him that there are more important things to life than trying to have sex with people to a deadline set by your frenemy (friend-enemy). Kevin's black heart looks visibly broken as his friends tell him that they aren't interested in his immature bullshit anyone and that they have found something more valuable than his respect, namely girls with whom they have crafted a lasting bond. Upon hearing this seemingly devastating news, Kevin splutters and begs his friends not to renege on his weirdo pact, not unlike Gollum when someone takes his ring away from him.

TIME HAS RIGHTLY PUNISHED KEVIN

Eventually his painstaking efforts to wreck his girlfriend's confidence are rewarded and he gets to put one of his penises into her. She looks visibly uncomfortable in this scene. The discomfort of losing your virginity or the discomfort of knowing that your weak will has resulted in the conception of the Anti-Christ? YOU DECIDE.

The Futility of Awards

Not long has passed since the Oscars, but a disturbing revelation has been unearthed: the merit of some of the winners is quite subjective.

I have been somewhat disconnected from the hype this year, mainly because I find the BBC website too hard to navigate, but Wikipedia has since been updated, allowing me to flick through the winners of the ceremony.

Make no mistake, the Oscars are important

Combined with my Wiki-binging, I have also been kept abreast of the predicted winners by way of word-of-mouth. For example, months ago I was informed that Meryl Streep would be winning Best Actress, and sure enough, come late February she collected.

Typically I scanned through the categories for the 'big ones': Best Actor, Actress, Picture, Director and Original Screenplay. Not very exciting, although I was surprised to see Woody Allen get any recognition because I was under the impression that he was utterly ostracised from the inner-ring, and also that all of his recent, "European films" were dreadful.

Interestingly, I saw that Bret McKenzie, of Flight of the Conchords fame, won an Oscar for Best Original Song and I was very happy for him, purely because it was the most unexpected of the winners. I assumed be had beaten off the world's finest composers to rise to the top; plucky kiwi comedian battles his way to glory. Then I saw there was only one other nomination, which was from the children's animated feature Rio and my enthusiasm dissolved slightly.

Flight of the Osc-chords...

I went to see The Muppets Movie last night, which was all above board, but I found myself even more underwhelmed by Man or Muppet; Conchords by numbers. If I were Jemaine, I would feel that my involvement in the basic design of the blueprint for the song would deserve at least a fleeting mention.

Once I arrived home I decided to investigate former winners of the Best Song category and it was at this moment that my faith in the Oscars was diminished completely. 1997 saw the release of Titanic, which had an impact on the Oscars devastating enough to match its name.

The film was nominated for 14 awards and garnered 11 of them including Best Picture and Best Director, and crucially for where I am going with this, Best Original Song. The fact that all this means the film is arguably the most critically acclaimed ever, is a conversation for another time, but it is worth mentioning that 11 Oscars is the most ever won (tied with Ben Hur (1959) and Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003)).

What is interesting about the film winning Best Song for Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On is that it beat one genuinely good song, which was Miss Misery by Elliott Smith from Good Will Hunting. It also beat Go the Distance from Disney's Hercules, which I find more evocative than My Heart Will Go On, but whatever.

More emotionally engaging than Titanic

Miss Misery is quite beautiful, subtle and ultimately a better song than My Heart Will Go On and in fact, the only defence I can offer Celine Dion and Titanic is that, like Miss Misery, the tone of the song blends with the class of the film seamlessly, however, I would say that that is because Titanic is a tacky, gormless piece of shit that lasts too long and makes people with taste gag.

In 2006 Adam Sandler's starred in the film Click, which was about an over-worked architect who receives a remote control that allows Sandler to fast-forward his own life in order to avoid unpleasant events, such as spending time with his mother-in-law or put beers with his buddies in slow motion. Eventually the remote breaks from overuse, putting life in permanent fast-forward until Sandler has accidentally missed the entirety of his kids' childhood.

The film is totally ridiculous and utterly artless, and yet, the make up is kind of good when Sandler dons a fat-suit. This feat lead to the team behind Click being nominated for the Best Make Up Oscar, and though it eventually lost to Pan's Labyrinthine, it raises an interesting point: does a film have to be good in general or just its specific nominated category to win any awards?

Fast-forward Click?!

What really scratches my blackboard is that the Oscars aren't even definitive. They are just definitive for THAT YEAR. There could be films released that are total garbage competing with others that are just kind of bad and the kind of bad films could win, granting them the recognition to be compared to genuinely good films that won in more competitive years.

And further more, it's all a love-in and you can't help but point out that James Cameron's films probably don't deserve a combined 4 billion Oscars. A lot of good work goes unnoticed and uncongratulated and I feel that that undermines the entire point of awards as a concept: reward and recognition for outstanding work or contribution to a field.