The innumerable romantic failures that have nosedived on my Facebook page are enough to erode the smile of the Mona Lisa. In my mind, without Facebook, my love life would play out like one of the great romance films of the ages. It might be tempting to blame me for my own failures, but turning the blame onto myself is too easy and traumatic, so I will blame Mark Zuckerberg and his Frankenstein bastard of a website.
All of the great love films of the last 40 years would be totally ruined and impossible with Facebook. Let's look at some examples:
When Harry Met Sally
The story follows the title characters from the time they meet just before sharing a cross-country drive, through twelve years or so of chance encounters in New York. Eventually falling in love, despite repeated meetings in which they outwardly dislike one another.
When Harry Met Sally With Facebook
After travelling across the US in Sally's car, Harry would have added her on Facebook. They would have looked at the other's profile regularly and maintained a relationship of hatred, lacking the opportunity to forget one another and start over with a clean slate. They might have seen each other on the street a few times, but the bad blood experienced on a daily basis would have been enough to ensure they intentionally ignored one another. Sally would have gotten married to some prat that her friends set her up with and Harry would have persevered with his comedic misanthropy forever.
Nottinghill
Hugh Grant runs an independent book shop, the beautiful and captivating Julia Roberts walks in. He fancies her loads, finds out she is a celebrity. It doesn't really work because she is too famous, then he decides that it's worth it and he has made a big mistake letting her go. She stays in England and they get married.
Nottinghill With Facebook
Hugh Grant runs an independent book shop, the beautiful and captivating Julia Roberts walks in. He fancies her loads, finds out she is a celebrity. It doesn't really work because she is too famous, so he Facebook messages her calling her a whore and blows any chance of her ever respecting him as a human ever again. The jaded Hugh Grant stays at his pish book shop, slowly losing money as Amazon ruins small business and he looks on bitterly as Julia Roberts' acting career rewards her with money and stardom.
You've Got Mail
The film is about two email writing lovers who are completely unaware that their sweetheart is in fact the person with whom they share a certain degree of animosity. In the end they meet after discovering they know one another and they kiss.
You've Got Mail With Facebook
For a start, AOL sucks now anyway, so they wouldn't be using that. Meg Ryan would have gotten her little emails from Tom Hanks and posted excitedly to her friends on Facebook. "Omg! Cant believe it. I have met THE cutest guy ever!" Tom Hanks would probably have been friends with her and seen her updates about the guy she was emailing. Then he would have cut off all contact because of their mutual hatred before they had a chance to develop a meaningful relationship.
Bridget Jones' Diary
Frustrated Bridget meets Darcy at a party. She also shags her boss, who is a wanker, and then she has to pick between them both in her search for Mr Right. She picks Darcy.
Bridget Jones' Diary With Facebook
Frustrated Bridget meets Darcy at a party. She would have sent an irritating, intentionally ambiguous Facebook update saying something like: "Don't you hate it when people are really full of it and just don't realise it..." Given that she and Darcy are childhood friends, they would be connected on Facebook and would have seen it. Additionally, Bridget's self-destructive streak would have seen her sending him lots of embarrassing private messages telling him how cute he was and he would have blocked her. Then Hugh Grant would have tried to have cyber sex with her a few times and left lots on comments on her pictures saying "Wow! You look hot here!" and she would be desperate and alone.
I fucking hate Facebook.
