The Inbetweeners Movie: God Awful.

The Inbetweeners Movie is inbetween two things: Sex and the City 2 and nothingness, because it is at the top of the list of the worst films I have ever seen.

The film is a continuation of the channel 4 TV show, The Inbetweeners, which is routinely praised as the thinking man's comedy, and regularly showered with prizes at comedy award shows. The plot of the show is simple: a group of boys at a school in England who are neither cool enough to be cool, nor sad enough to be losers lead us through their secondary school experiences with alcohol, girls and swearing. It is hugely popular, with the latest series reaching viewing figures of over 1 million people per episode.

Gigantic demand prompted the cinematic outing, which was released this week. As the second most annoying character and serial misogynist, Jay, puts it as the lads embark on a summer holiday Greek chlamydia Mecca, "It'll be like shooting clunge in a barrel".

It all begins with Mark from Peep Show Jr (named Will in the show), being mocked by his dad, played by Giles from Buffy (that guy from those 90s coffee adverts), for being a bit weird. Divorcee Giles informs his son that he decided not to invite him to the wedding of him and his new wife because, "You know how you are with people, son."

120 seconds in and already this film is fucking stupid. I can understand that he got bullied at school for being intelligent and (GET THIS) wearing glasses!!!! But to think that his Dad wouldn't invite him to his own wedding because he is, at the very worst, slightly awkward, is obviously idiotic.

He then gives does a bit of exposition about his life: he lives in a suburban neighbourhood in Southern England, and has three friends, Neil, Jay and Simon, who are a bit like him, only totally stupid, annoyingly crass and dozy respectively.

Their last day of school is an inconvenience to the writers, who get it out of the way asap, so they can bore me to tears with their shite Carry On Malia plot. But not before the schools headteacher gives them a royal blue send off in assembly. The painfully poorly observed character swears at and threatens his pupils for a few minutes. After he is finished, Simon, who has just been dumped by his girlfriend, Carlie, (Imagine Ross and Rachel from friends, but unrealistic and uncompelling) starts moaning about how miserable he is since the break up. So Jay suggests that to get over his relationship, they go on a lads holiday for "Sun, sea, sex, booze, clunge, fanny, booze and...sex." They all agree, oh and by the way, Jay was wanking, his mum walked in, tearfully told him that his granddad just died, and now the characters have money. Don't worry about the dead man, his death is scarcely mentioned again, all that is important is that Jay was on his will.

Cut to the night of the journey. The four boys and their parents gather outside their car, each boy stealing Harry Enfield's spoilt-teenager-character-routine when their parents tell them they love them etc. Neil's father, who is HILARIOUSLY sexually ambiguous (he wears sweater vests, is well spoken and has male friends, although the latter isn't actually referenced in the film, so less ardent fans of the show will be even more confused by the casual homophobia) is in attendance and is publicly mocked by Jay's father for supposedly appearing to be gay. Jay can be seen looking stroppy and embarrassed by his dad's actions, as though his dad were recanting a mortifying story about his childhood (Even though in the show they all find the constant snickering at Neil's dad's sexuality to be literally the funniest thing in their lives). Neil's dad greets the abuse with confusion and gentle, uneasy laughter. PRESUMABLY BECAUSE HE IS TOO MUCH OF A POOF TO NUT HIM ONE IN THE CANISTER!

They arrive in Malia after an uneventful journey, gawp at a few scantily clad girls, then retire to their hotel, which is a shit hole. They go out again and a PR girl flirts with Jay to trick them into a club, which is empty and badly decorated. Jay gets drunk at the bar, preparing for the arrival of the PR girl, who never comes. At this point, I feel obliged to tell you that Mark from Peep Show Jr is an annoying bastard. He has the remarkable ability to mock characters without them really reacting, or at least, not reacting properly. Instead, he gives the viewer a wee nod and then goes back to being a smug arsehole towards his friends because they aren't as clever as he is.

After a few minutes of the characters being stupid, dozy, dumb and sneering, four girls come in. One is stupid and lankly with a big nose (Just like Neil! Ha ha ha!), Another is self-admittedly fat (She talks only to Jay), another is boring and normal (Like Simon) and the fourth is very attractive and conversationally Savvy (She's the one Will fancies).

After a sequence of preposterously bad dancing towards them, the boys begin talking to the four girls. Naturally, even though everyone else in the history of The Inbetweeners has deemed him too odd to even acknowledge socially, including his own fucking father, Will begins to confidently command a conversation with the most attractive girl he has ever met! They have instant chemistry (EVEN THOUGH HE HAS GLASSES!!!!) Neil doesn't talk much to his girl because he is a bit slow, but they are basically the same hollow character anyway, so who cares. Jay is a drunken mess at the bar, and for some reason the fat girl takes a strong interest in him, apparently unaware that he is an obnoxious gob shite, even though he displays his one of his only character-traits constantly. Then the most boring character, who is basically Tim from The Office, but not funny, starts talking to his girl, Lucy. He starts talking about his ex, Carlie, which bores Lucy stiff, but he is so irresistible that she offers him and his friends the opportunity to join them at a massive party on a boat on the last day of their holiday. The hottest girl reveals she has a Greek boyfriend called Nikos or something, of whom Will does some Borat-esque impressions, offending his love interest deeply, although apparently not enough to stop her talking to him. Jay casually calls the girl he is talking to fat a few times and Neil knocks-back his girl in order to start dirty dancing with an old, fat woman. Those are all the jokes I can remember in this scene.

They leave the club and the boring one sees Carlie on the street much to his surprise. He talks to her, she says she misses him, leads him on a little and asks if he is going to the massive boat party before some cartoon bastard on a quad-bike drives into his leg, which I think is supposed to be a joke. It is implied that Carlie fancies this guy, who is handsome, but also entirely evil. It is then discovered that Neil (LIKE THE IDIOT HE IS!!!) booked the holiday in Malia in full knowledge that Simon's ex was going there.

They eventually go back to their shite hotel, Neil has loud sex with the old woman he was grinding with in the club, and Jay passes out on top of an ant hill after drinking himself into a stupor.

They decide to go to the hotel of the girls they met the night previously. At the girls' hotel, and after an altercation with an annoying child, who kicks Jay and a few other incidents including: Will having a penis sunburned into his back after Simon draws one with suntan lotion and Simon being rude to Lucy, the lads leave to go somewhere else.

Jay and Simon have an argument about something that doesn't really matter, but basically, they can't get tickets to the boat party. Simon decides to sell all of his clothes to raise money for a boat ticket. The evil bastard offers to buy his clothes on behalf of a friend, insisting that Simon throws the clothes he is wearing into the bargain. Standing naked on a seaside street beside Will, it dawns on Simon that he has been tricked by Malia's answer to Joseph Goebbels.

Jay reveals to Neil that he bought tickets to the boat party as a surprise for Simon, until their argument inspires him to tear Simon and Will's tickets into pieces. Both parties go on tragic nights out and decide to come together the following day and make up. The girls of their dreams inexplicably reappear, as the boys also do, in the dreadful club they spent their first night. Will and his dream girl discuss sexual politics:

"You are funny, Will. That will get you laid."

"Really? Being funny can get you sex? Do girls find that attractive?"

"Yeah!!...if they're BRAIN DEAD!"

Given that he has Glasses (OMFG!) and he is 'funny', and apparently a social leper, it begs the question, why would this sexy, charming woman be interested in him...

This scene is a carbon copy of the last evening they spent together, but this time they all end up skinny dipping. Will strips with the woman of his dreams in a lustfully-charged scene, before she removes his glasses, throwing them away in a carefree manner, and placing his hand on her breast and running off into the distant sea. Forcing Will to scream "I'VE LOST MY GLASSES!", which brought the house down.

Wondering aimlessly around the beach, Will falls upon an amorous couple. The man aggressively approaches Will and eager to protect him, his new girl walks runs to his aid and, oh my god, the man fucking someone on the beach is her Greek boyfriend. How dare he be unfaithful! Good thing she had been placing another man's hand on her naked breast, so that she could expose that love-rat bastard! Will smugly tells his girl that he told her so about her dirty Greek boyfriend and she runs off in tears, finally realising that he is a smug prat. No amount of one liners and alleged intelligence can help you now, Mark from Peep Show Jr.

Standing in the sea with his new love interest and just when it appears that he has finally gotten over his ex, Simon sees Carlie walking down the beach and wades back to shore to speak to her like a desperate moron. She shows little interest and walks off, then he tries to go back to speak to Lucy, who now (SURELY) has realised he is a boring dickhead with absolutely nothing to say for himself.

Jay is about to get off with the fat girl, but then some Brits abroad start mocking him and calling her a whale, so he starts getting shy and she realises he is a shallow arsehole, which is approximately 45 minutes late.

The day of the big boat party arrives, they see the girls, who are understandably cold with them, but eventually they all come around and give them boat tickets for a variety of nonsensical reasons.

When they arrive on the boat, Neil starts getting off with his lookalike girl and they become a couple. Simon sees Carlie, who instantly runs into his arms, but then he realises that she is only kissing him to make the most evil man on Earth jealous and he tells her to fuck off, more or less.

Jay decides that he isn't embarrassed about kissing a fat woman in public after all, in spite of the fact that the one and only thing that defines him, besides swearing, is that he is misogynistic, leaving a gaping hole in his character, which can only be filled by saying clunge a few hundred times more.

Then Will and one of the most attractive people in England begin speaking about her break-up with Stavros from Easy Jet the previous day, and the brain-dead bitch suggests not only that he kiss her, but that they start GOING OUT WITH EACH OTHER. Which is testament to the apparent fact that if you spend time with a person for 90 minutes then they automatically fall in love with you.

Realising that he has made a huge mistake and has picked the wrong girl, Simon attempts to swim to shore, but it's too far away and unable to swim properly, requires an airlift. When he is resuscitated on the beach, Lucy runs to him, kisses him and then he reveals that he thinks he has "shat" himself and is taken away for further medical treatment.

Also, Evil-Bastardman ends up snorting coke through a rolled up twenty quid note that has been up Jay's arse (who seemingly hasn't taken a shit for a full fortnight), he strides around the boat oblivious to the fact that he has shit dripping from his nose, and obviously everyone is disgusted.

So there we have it, what have I learned:

1. No matter how self-obsessed, boring, stupid, ugly, obnoxious, sexist and tedious you are there will always be a girl for you and what's more, she will likely be remarkably more attractive than you are.

2. Sometimes film scripts probably take less time to write than the film takes to watch.

3. People will watch absolutely anything, so long as you put it on Channel 4 for three years first.

4. People who are more attractive than you are but just as nasty and selfish are evil, even if the only difference is that they are better looking.

5. My adolescence was fantastic and nothing like this film or the TV show that came before it.

6. I never want to go to Malia. Ever. Or anywhere where there are fans of the Inbetweeners, which unfortunately for me, is everywhere.

The Deteriorating Mental Health of Gordon Ramsay

We live in a world in which Gordon Ramsay is a respected chef with 12 Michelin Stars and a variety of reality TV shows that consist of him swearing at people. This world is reality. Gordon Ramsay, however, lives in a world where he has been a fantastically famous and talented footballer and a world in which, among other bizarre habits, Chef is a title which can be applied before a persons name, in the same way that you would call someone 'Doctor' or 'Professor'. This world is fabricated by Gordon Ramsay's deranged mind.

It is virtually impossible to ascertain whether Gordon Ramsay's clinical insanity began before he was famous or afterwards, because he himself is so unsure of his own past. His life has been written and re-written in numerous interviews to suit Ramsay's mood, but I can no lon

ger stand by while a great man suffers alone. This is a man who is struggling to accept reality as it appears and has been forced by mental illness to adjust the parameters of the Universe around him in order to survive. Unable to assimilate with society, Ramsay constantly lashes out at under-qualified restaurant staff over seemingly petty and meaningless everyday occurrences, like the consistency of gravy or the speed at which someone cooks broccoli.

Traumatically , Ramsay has been forced by the monsters at Channel 4 to play out his tragic life in front of millions every week on the fly-on-the-wall documentary, Kitchen Nightmares USA. In this serious expose of mental health in the work place, Ramsay is convinced by the shows producers that he is responsible for the well being of another person's restaurant, and as a result of his declining state, he works tirelessly in order to improve the fortunes of two-bit restaurants across the United States.

Ramsay is forced to live out the same distressing experiences week-after-week, heart-breakingly rehashing the same routine each time. It quickly becomes obvious that Ramsay only has a handful of memories from working as a restaurateur and is regurgitating them as a desperate survival technique. Each time, he marches into a restaurant he has never seen before in his life, wrapped in the chef's coat that he wears both in and outdoors-his knowledge of hygiene apparently wiped from his troubled mind-he then orders a meal that he knows he will not like from a menu produced by someone who is obviously ill-equipped to handle food.

When the meal arrives, Ramsay invariably loses his temper. Frustrated with himself and the world around him, he insults everyone in sight and spits out his half-chewed food. Possibly because of damaged motor-functions; maybe an eating disorder, we just don't know.

Whipped into a frenzy by the staff and customers, Ramsay begins to frantically storm through the building, not unlike a contestant on Supermarket Sweep. Eventually, having upturned the entire restaurant-store-rooms, office and all-Ramsay begins to scream at its proprietors. Demanding that they not only change their menu entirely, but that they surrender custody of their business for several days. Presumably terrified, the owners agree, and when they return a number of days later, Ramsay has been working unrelentingly throughout the night, altering the decor of the establishment and implementing a new till system.

Ramsay then insists that the restaurant open that very evening, ordering that, regardless of the restaurants pre-existing theme, they start serving 'hamburger sliders'-a deranged miniature version beefburgers on a narrow, rectangular plate.

As a result of Ramsay's undeniable cooking skills, the transformation proves a great success every time. Ramsay then addresses the staff of the restaurant, credits them for their hard work, before scuttling out of the front door and down the street under cover of darkness-still wearing his white, double-breasted chef's jacket-and begins muttering to himself in bold language.

Cold and alone, wreaking of self-doubt and self-hatred, Gordon Ramsay has regressed to a child-like state, insisting that his boyhood fantasy of playing for his 'local' football team, Glasgow Rangers, was a reality, despite the fact that Glasgow is not local to his childhood home in Stratford. Dissatisfied with having won cooking's most prestigious prize 12 times, and having a fortune stretching into the tens of millions, Ramsay has felt the need to imagine a glorious sporting career in which he ranked among the game's greatest. But again, Ramsay's tortured feelings of low-self worth have forced him to imagine a disastrous end to his own dreams.

Ramsay has made various false and contradictory claims about his Rangers career, the most noticeable being that he had one. Cruelly cornered by the media, Ramsay warped his original story out of all recognition. Having originally stuttered out the following: "I got my first team games. I was with the first team squad. I played three first team games.' Ramsay amended his history, claiming that he had merely played in a single friendly-match. Unfortunately, this too was a miss-truth.

Presumably frightened by his lack of self-control, Ramsay began to contort time and history. Speaking on a radio show in 2002, he explained how his career was cut short, when Rangers manager Jock Wallace and first team coach Archie Knox released him after he tore his liga

ment. However at the time, Knox, was the manager of Dundee. Knox told a Sunday newspaper: "The first time I ever saw Gordon Ramsay was in 1996 when he launched his first book. But he didn't know me from Adam because we've never met." Ramsay then became more erratic about his football 'career', claiming unprecedented levels of fame in his 2006 autobiography, Humble Pie: "Outside the stadium, you'd be signing things like pillow cases and the side of prams, and families would turn up with their kids to have their trainers signed."

It was at this stage that the world became aware of Ramsay's problems. Unable to prop-up his inconsistencies, Ramsay's legal team stepped in. A spokesman said that the television star had always "down-played" his career in football and added: "Any inaccuracies regarding the details of this period can be explained by the fact that all this occurred nearly 25 years ago."

Ramsay made several humiliating appearances in televised charity football matches, which revealed his lack of ability. Now no one was convinced, as much as they tried. It was at this point that Gordon Ramsay's senility became a sport for the international press. Lurching from one catastrophe to the next, Ramsay's condition worsened. A Gordon's Gin television advert tormented a defenceless Ramsay, showering him with straight Gin, stoning him with ice-cubes

and torturing him with acidic limes. The public humiliation began to take it's toll on the down-trodden Ramsay as he publicly insulted a prominent Australian TV personality on her own television show, revealing a blown-up image of a nude woman on all fours with a pig's face, before drawing comparis

on to the Aussie TV host, Tracey Grimshaw.

Perhaps most troubling is the way in which his personal relationship problems have suffered. Recently it was revealed that Ramsay could no longer differentiate between an average woman and his own wife, after the Daily Mail uncovered that he had been sleeping with other women since 2001.

Whatever happens now is anyone's guess, but thankfully Ramsay is beginning to come to terms with his problem. But with tragic celebrity deaths happening more frequently with each passing year, one can only pray that Gordon Ramsay doesn't follow that pattern of talented stars who burnt out too soon. However, with the rising popularity of other Channel 4 chefs, such as Heston, Jamie and Hugh, one cannot help but fear how Gordon will take the prospect of further decline.