1. I have read under two chapters of the first book and not a WORD since.
2. I have watched about three of the films, and fallen asleep half way through one of them.
3. I don't talk about it, so I don't ACTUALLY know what the plot is.
So as you can see, I am a fully qualified and just person to say: Harry Potter is the worst thing on Earth.
At the moment I am watching Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone on STV. I have formed several observations. Firstly, I know that everyone says this, right, but how can any self-respecting adult watch a film or read a book with the following sentence in it: "Now
that you have conquered a troll, a game of quiddich should be a doddle, even if it is against a slythern."
Secondly, it's a cynical piece of shit. Reading the newspaper the other day, I saw a picture of a box set of the books. The dreadful woman who wrote the series wrote a modest first book, nice and small, that's fine-it's for kids. But from then on, the books begin to double with each edition, and it makes me sick. So much so, that the final book must be separated into two to bleed yet more money from the pathetic addicted freaks who are hooked on the series.
Thirdly, it makes me repulsed to imagine the weirdo distinguished actors who appear in the films talking about how the plot captured their imagination and they had to be in it because it was so wonderful. Grow up, your childhood is over, Robbie Coltrane, we all know you did it for the money. I have seen you in Glasgow International, we all know how you paid for that flight to New York, and it wasn't by writing your very boring, very unfunny TV series, Tutti-Frutti.
And that is just that fat idiot-who, in real life, is even fatter than you had imagined-now we come to the revolting prospect of the wretch-making, money-grubbing Zoe Wanamaker. In a
n interview with the Daily Telegraph, Wanamaker, who plays games mistress Madam Hooch, described the film's producers Warner Bros as "notoriously mean" and described the pay as "terrible." "If they want me for a second film, they'll have to up their rates. I don't think any of the actors have done well out of it," she continued embarrassingly.
Then there are the leads. I don't care about that prat who stripped for the play or that ginger one who everyone pretends to fancy because they want to show how open minded they are about gingers. All three of them are undeserving of their fortunes, their only talent in the first place was looking a bit like the dorky cartoons that appeared on the cover of the books. It would be too easy to claw at the for being bad actors, and they are BAD ACTORS, but Emma Watson has other qualities that I can attack like the superficial vulture that I am.
I went to college with a girl who had Granger as her other half on bebo, which basically makes me a celebrity in my own right. I once asked my class mate how much of her fortune Hermione gave away to her mates and she said nothing. In 2009, that brat earned a reputed £19 m
illion. Dismayed, I suggested that she must, at least, give fantastic birthday presents.
"What did you get from your Emma Watson as your last birthday present."
"Kylie's new CD."
That is the equivalent of me giving my friends a birthday present to the value of 2p. To find further information with which to criticise Emma Watson, I visited her Wikipedia page, and what I saw shook my very core and never let go.
The amount of CDs I would expect for my birthday if I were friends with Emma Watson
The idiot likes tennis, "art" and apparently she supports the Wild Trout Trust. Why, I don't know. When I used my accredited journalistic skills to uncover why, this is all I could muster:
"Harry Potter actress Emma Watson has once again donated to the Wild Trout Trust's charity auction for 2008. Ms. Watson donated a fly tied by her, which has been framed together with a signature card. The auction goes live on Monday, March 31st and closes the evening of Wednesday April 9th with all proceeds put towards river conservation."
Conclusive proof that Emma Watson is a shady and divisive
character.
She also describes herself as "a bit of a feminist", which is interesting because I would describe myself as "a bit of an anarchist".
Being the best paid actress in Hollywood, she obviously knows a thing or two about acting because her favourite actors are Johnny Depp and Julia Roberts.
Fifthly, it is unforgivably English; the film equivalent of Tim Henman. Even his name is of the same calibre of Walter the Softy and Frank Spencer; 'Harry Potter'. It's lame and
it's camp, which makes it's aggressively imperialistic attempts to dominate the Universe all the more sinister. It has penetrated my life much more than I had hoped. Last year, I went to the St Andrews Union to witness the opening stages of pub quiddich.
After all of the fucking foreplay leading up to the final film, that little tease, J.K. Rowling playfully hints that she is going to write more Harry Potter books. It's unforgivable. I feel like I have been tricked. How much money is enough for you, you ravenous prostitute? Challenge yourself, write something else and let the New Picture House in St Andrews show us a proper film.
