On a hot summer's day in July 2005, I went over to my friend Michael Sullivan's house to watch a football match between Roma and Chelsea. Little did I know, this would be the last proper day of my life. This was the day I first played Football Manager.It's existed for decades under different guises: Championship Manager, Premier Coach, Premierleagueshipfootball managercoach, but now Football
Manager (FM) has established itself firmly under the name which now strikes the heart like a bolt of lightening.
It's so addictive that in the past five years it has been cited in more than 35 British divorces and a million copies of it were bought last year and yet everyone criticises the football management simulator for being boring and stupid. After all, "WHO would want to watch a bunch of dots chase another, smaller dot around a bit green square. I mean, IT'S NOT EVEN REA
L!?!"
So when people ask me, 'Tommy, why have you spent literally over 1000 hours of your life playing Football Manager?', and I say: 'Because it's fun,' they often return with the loud and tiresome response I wrote above. But recently I have discovered the ultimate combatant against the 'haterz': Robbie Williams likes it. And anything Robbie Williams likes is worth investing 1000 hours in. Be it pop music, women or cocaine-allegedly.
Yes, it's true, the role model for all modern Britons and modern citizens of the World in general, Mr Robbie Williams likes Football Manager loads. Recently, under pressure from his ridiculously SAAAAAD and selfish wife, Robbie broke his Football Manager disc into two pieces. Claiming, that (and I didn't just imagine this, by the way) "It all got too much". Robbie Williams, who, need I remind you is a millionaire-which means that I can play it all I like and will probably, DEFINITELY become a millionaire, too-had a series of Twitter meltdowns in which he said:
"Got addicted to Football Manager AGAIN. They warned Ayda (His wife) what would happen but I don't think she was quite prepared for what was to come. Been on it day and night and the other day I decided to snap the disc because it all got too much. However, two days later I re-ordered it on Amazon.
"It should come in the post tomorrow. Ayda will be thrilled."
And this proves once and for all that Football Manage
r is the best game in the Universe and well worthy of me wasting my life over.
I know what you are thinking: "Okay, he is great and I grew up with Robbie, and he is definitely the kind of guy I aspire to be, but I prefer younger stars. Younger stars like, I don't know....Paolo Nutini?"
WELL AHA! You are an idiot, because Paolo Nutini likes it almost as much as Robbie Williams, although, in his defence, he hasn't claimed to have snapped his game in half because he was so passionately addicted-or at least not publicly.
Last year, Paolo was invited to test out the latest version of the game in the creators' design studio because he is such an enormous fan, so next time you call me sad, you had better think of the company I keep, because we are the coolest men in Britain. One can even watch the tedious footage of Paolo confirming he is enjoying the game, as he plays it, on youtube.
For those of you who are in relationships and are thinking of asking your significant other to choose between you and the game, please remember Robbie, his wife, the other 35 British divorces in the past five year. Please remember too that Football Manager is currently number two on the list of computer games that are responsible for ending relationships, behind some embarrassing shooting game that only geeks play, not a wicked game like the one that Robbie, me and Paolo play.
We are the future, and like a bunch of poorly dinosaurs that are shit at surviving meteor strikes, you are the past. Vive la Football Manager.
I would now like to take an extract of my favourite poem about Football Manager, 'The Love Song Of Edin Dzeko's Cock', which was written by an award-winning poet I know.
"Let us go, in our lazies, through water carriers, trequartistas, limited defenders and
Julio Baptista.
Though the relentless night is dark and depressing
At least your defensive line's not set to pressing.
Shawcross to United and Shearer to Spurs
follow like
the insidious intent of a tedious argument
to lead you to an overwhelming question...
Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
Pitch size alterations."
